Yellow journalists and other ne'er do wells,
For the last few years, since Barry left, you have been constantly
harassing me with questions. I finally agreed to answer a short list of
questions when your publications promised they would not pay for any
more work based on uninvited interviews with me. Here are the
dozen questions, and the answers.
How long did you know Barry?
Nearly all my life, since before we were in kindergarten. I don't remember a time when I didn't know him.
When did you first realize that Barry was destined to found a great new religion?
Never.I don't believe in destiny.
When did you realize that Barry was the new messiah?
Never. I still don't think he was the new messiah. He was just a guy, and things happened to him.
When will Barry return?
I have no idea. I don't think Barry is special in the sense of being a
messiah. He was my friend, and I
miss him. I don't really know where he went, nor if he will return.
Did Barry tell you anything about God that you can share?
No. People who claim they hear stuff directly from God are insane.
Barry was not insane. I don't believe Barry had a relationship with God
different from any other person.
Deborah the Blessed has said you are
an unenlightened person who rejects The Word, and holds you up as an
example of how Truth can be ignored by one who is too prideful. How do
you feel about that, and how do you feel about her?
Debbie is entitled to her opinions. I admit to being distressed
when she turned her house into a holy shrine, complete with gift shop.
There is a lot of traffic that comes around to gawk at Barry's old
furniture. It's just a table, just a dresser, just whatever it is. I
had to abandon my house to get away from the commotion. Debbie bought
it and turned it into a visitor's center. I don't think she is an evil
person, but neither do I think she is special.
What does Barry think about having his house turned into a shrine?
Barry, in case you have had your head under a pile of sand for the last
several years, is gone. I don't talk to him. He doesn't talk to me. And
I believe the revelations from Debbie, allegedly from Barry, are hogwash.
And your views on the Modern Testament?
Rubbish. Barry didn't write it, and neither did God. It was written by
the people who claimed to have revelations from Barry. What do they
call him? "He who has sat by the right hand of God" or some such. The
book's title is foolish as well. They say the Bible came first, then the New
Testament, then the Koran, then the revelations to Smith, and now this.
At one point or another all these could have claimed the title Modern
Testament. Its a stupid title for a book that is supposed to be
relevant in a thousand years.
There are rumors that Barry is back on earth and living with you. Can you comment on those rumors?
There are rumors about everything. I haven't seen Barry since before the day he left in that space ship. Believe what you want.
What do you think Barry would think of his legacy?
I'm pretty sure he would be upset. He was constantly denying his
divinity until he just gave up at the end. He just wanted people to think
about what they were doing. I think at the end he was just tired. He
thought giving the people something to believe in would make the world
a better place.
Do you think the world is a better place because of Him?
Not in the sense you mean. Barry was my best friend, my life is better
because of him. But you are asking a different question that presumes
his divinity. Wars, famines, crimes, murders ... have these diminished
because of Barry? Even among people who claim to be following him,
things have balkanized with remarkable speed, with factions denouncing
each other with viciousness and vehemence. Barry wanted people to think
about the consequences of their actions, and I don't think that has
changed one iota.
Since you knew Barry you must have
know The Blessed Mother and Father Of The Man Who Stood by the Right
Hand of God. What were they like?
Blessed Mother and Father? I assume you mean Auntie Sarah and Uncle
Harold. They were a nice couple. They were nice to me and frequently
invited me over for dinner when I got to be a ravenous teenager. When
they took a dump their bathroom smelled bad. Sometimes they fought.
Their home usually smelled of tobacco. Most of the time they really
seemed to love each other. It was a nice family. But there was nothing
divine about it. There were other families just as nice.
Look, these questions are really pretty stupid. Barry was my best
friend. He was a very nice guy. He came from a nice family. I know
there have been lots of things written comparing Barry to Jesus, or
Mohammad, or other religious leaders. I didn't personally know Jesus
nor Mohammad. I have no idea if their claims of a special relationship
with God were accurate or not. I'm pretty sure when they were babies,
they had to have their diapers changed. They got older. Maybe they got
into mischief when they were kids. Stuff happened, and eventually they
died. You can find parallels between their lives and anyone
else's. The parallels people are drawing to make Barry seem
special seem a little strained.
Some people believe Jesus was special, some people believe Mohammad was
special, some folks believe John Smith was special, that God had
relationships with them He doesn't have with most folks. I have no
personal knowledge of it But I did know Barry, and I don't believe he
falls in the Divinely Blessed category. I think he tried very hard to
get his message across - that we needed to think about what we were
doing, and that the message was the important thing, not the messenger.
But it seems to me his followers have stood that on its head. Barry
didn't want to be prayed to, or worshiped. He wanted people to think
about what they were doing, that's all. But that is not what has
I hope you all are pleased with this document. Now please quit
following me around. By terms of contract, you owe me nothing for this
but you agree that if you pay anyone for the right to publish magazine
articles or photographs of me then you have to pay me ten times as
much. The goal of this is to let me get back to being a normal citizen.
I have nothing to reveal about Barry that has not already been